Hey u guys,
It’s everyone’s favorite time of the year – March Madness! Yesterday was selection Sunday, and we’ve been presented with 64 of the most scrumptious basketball teams in all of the college basketball leagues. So now it’s time for an American tradition as old as America itself – filling out our brackets! Now I hear some of you folks out there saying things like “But I like don’t even watch college basketball”. And that’s okay, neither do I! Bracketology is less about an intimate knowledge of the field and more about developing your own stupid rules for filling out a bracket, telling your friends it was just for the giggles, and getting to tell people you’re a wizard from the future if shit gets crazy and you happen to get it mostly right. Here are my personal rules for filling out a bracket:
- Pick schools with really cool names
- Pick alma maters of former Sonics /NBA players that I like
- Pick schools who share names with former Sonics
- By rules 1 and 3, Xavier wins whenever they are in the tournament
- Ivy League winner gets to the Final Four unless they run into Xavier
- Teams with good cross country programs get an edge
- Schools I don’t like lose in the first round (See ya, The Ohio State University, you pricks)
- Disregard these rules if I change my mind for whatever reason, make up new ones along the way
Pretty simple. There are lots of fun rules you can make up for yourself. I intend to one day count the number of vowels in the names of all the players on each roster and determine winners solely based on that. Maybe pick teams by who has the best jersey colors. Have fun with it guys. Live, laugh, love. Anyway, here’s the breakdown of my bracket.
#1 Louisville vs #16 NCAT/LIB
This is a play in game and I don’t know either of the teams vying for the 16 seed. However, I think LIB is Liberty, and they are the alma mater of Sammy Chelanga, former NCAA XC champion. Also this is America. LIBERTY!
#8 CSU vs Missouri
I love Cansas State University! CSU!
#5 Oklahoma State vs #12 Oregon
Two of the best Cross Country programs in the nation right now, but Oregon’s recent success and storied history beats out OK State’s recent success and less storied history. Oregon.
#4 SLU vs #13 NMSU
I used to work in South Lake Union and it’s a nice area. SLU.
#6 Memphis vs #11 MTU/SMC
Why the hell are they doing play in games for an 11 seed? Can’t they just make one of them a 12 seed and have a 16 play in? Why not just make the first round more exciting and have two #1s do a play in game? Whatever. I like the song “Walking in Memphis” by Marc Cohn so Memphis it is.
#3 MSU vs #14 VALP
I’ve just discovered I can scroll over the abbreviation to see the full school name just in time for a college I’d never heard of. Valparaiso!
#7 Creighton vs #10 Cincinnati
Cincinnati is the alma mater of Danny Fortson and Art Long, the latter of whom was arrested for punching a university police horse while out one night with Fortson. Cincinnati.
#2 Duke vs #15 Albany
ALBY is a dumb abbreviation for Albany so Duke.
#16 Liberty vs #8 CSU
Turns out Kansas is spelled with a K. For their deception I end CSU’s run here. Liberty.
#12 Oregon vs #4 SLU
Another misinterpreted abbreviation, but Oregon’s ugly court spells a loss for them in the second round. Saint Louis.
#6 Memphis vs #14 Valparaiso
Valpa-raise-the-Lord-o we’re going to the sweet 16! Valparaiso.
#2 Duke vs #10 Cinicinnati
OK punching a police horse is a good enough reason for two straight upsets. Cincinnati.
#16 Liberty vs #4 Saint Louis
Liberty hasn’t actually even played their way into the tourney so I probably shouldn’t push them too deep oh well whatever. Liberty.
#14 Valparaiso vs #10 Cincinnati
Valparaiso’s cool name continues to propel it through the tourney. Farewell Art Long. Valparaiso.
#16 Liberty vs #14 Valparaiso
This is tough, but I’m going to have to go with Cool name over the 10,000m NCAA record holder. It was a great run Sam! Valparaiso.
#1 Gonzaga vs #16 Southern University
RIP Adam Morrison. Gonzaga.
#8 Pittsburgh vs #9 Wichita State
Not much going on here so shout out to Dejuan Blair, who continues to inspire people by playing professional basketball without ACLs. Pittsburgh.
#5 Wisconsin vs #12 Missouri
Wisconsin Wizards makes so much sense but they did some other stupid team name so Missouri.
#4 Kansas State University vs Boise State/La Salle
Since I already said I liked Kansas State I should probably advance them. KSU.
#6 Arizona vs #11 Belmont
I enjoyed pretending BEL was for Bel-Air so here’s to the Fresh Prince. Belmont.
#3 UNM vs #14 Harvard
Harvard (See above, Ivy League Rule.)
#7 Notre Dame vs #10 Iowa State University
Damn Iowa State you guys put white dudes in the NBA almost as often as Duke. For Fred Hoiberg, ISU.
#2 Ohio State vs #15 Iona
The First Round Exit. Iona.
#1 Gonzaga vs #8 Pittsburgh
It’s a battle between Ronny Turiaf and Dejuan Blair, which sound slike a hilarious game of 1 on 1. So anyway I’ll do a coin flip for this one. Heads, Gonzaga, tails, Pittsburgh. /flips coin. Heads! Sorry Pitt. Zags.
#12 Missouri vs #4 Kansas State
Anthony Peeler and Keyon Dooling went to Missouri so I’m going to assume they have lots of short fun guards who like to shoot. Missouri.
#11 Belmont vs #14 H
Harvard. Final Answer.
#10 Iowa State vs #15 Iona
Iona had a nice XC program and Northshore School District Jr HS Mile record holder Doug Holt wa son their team a few years ago. Love for my suburbs. Iona.
#1 Gonzaga vs #12 Missouri
Love for my home state and John Stockton. Zags.
#14 Harvard vs #15 Iona
You guys should probably have already figured this out. Harvard.
#1 Gonzaga vs #14 Harvard
Despite the best efforts of the Bulldogs, it turns out they’re all bark and no bite, and Harvard Crimsons their way to a win. Harvard
#1Kansas vs #16 Western Kentucky
There’s something kind of beautiful about Kentucky not getting in when Western Kentucky cemented their place as a 16 seed for the 107th straight year. Kansas wins though because Nick Collison. Kansas.
#8 UNC vs #9 Villanova
My last name is Cunningham and Dante Cunningham went to Villanova. WAIT WAT BILLY CUNNINGHAM WENT TO UNC?! SHIT! Still Villanova.
#5 Virginia Commonwealth vs #12 Akron
Akron is the hometown of Lebron James, and probably has almost as good of a team as St. Vincent – St. Mary High school did in 2003. Akron.
#4 Michigan vs #13 South Dakota State
Michigan because that’ll just be salt in the wound for fans of The Ohio State University. Michigan.
#6 UCLA vs #11 Minnesota
My Dad got stuck in the Duluth airport once and it was a pretty lousy experience and Duluth is in Minnesota so UCLA
#3 Florida vs #14 Northwestern State
Northwestern isn’t a state u idiots. Florida
#7 San Diego State vs #10 Oklahoma
Oklahoma shouldn’t even be watching this they have a pro team to root for and OH GOD THEY’RE SO GOOD I MISS THE SONICS WAHHHH. SDSU
#2 Georgetown vs #15 Florida Gulf Coast
It’s always fun to discover a college you never knew existed. Anyway Georgetown because Patrick Ewing (excuse me, FORMER SONIC Patrick Ewing). Georgetown
#1 Kansas vs #9 Villanova
Sonics connection beats last name connection. Also I’m thin on high seeds so I should probably keep pushing Kansas through. Kansas
#12 Akron vs #4 Michigan
I have extended family in Akron so sure enjoy the Sweet 16 guys! Akron
#6 UCLA vs #3 Florida
Bill Walton >>>>>>>>>>. UCLA
#7 San Diego State vs #2 Georgetown
San Diego has nice weather and DC has Congress so DC clearly needs something to be happy about more than San Diego. Georgetown.
#1 Kansas vs #12 Akron
Wait I put Akron in the Sweet 16? Kansas
#6 UCLA vs #2 Georgetown
Fight the East Coast bias! Pac-12 4ever! UCLA.
I’ll send a one seed to the Final four just so I can give one of the 14’s another sick upset. Kansas
#1 Indiana vs #16 LIU/JMU
The scrollover thing isn’t working so I don’t even know who the play-in teams are. Indiana
#8 NC State vs #9 Temple
Nate McMillan alma mater Final Four run! NC State
Since I’ve already picked the Final Four team lets speed things up. Cal over UNLV for the Pac 12, Syracuse over Montana for fun name, Bucknell over Butler because I hate white people, Marquette over Davidson because cool name, Illinois over Colorado because I want to go to bed, Pacific over Miami because the Pacific Ocean is kind of a big deal. 2nd round gives us NC State over Indy, Cal over Syracuse, Marquette over Bucknell, Pacific over Illinois. Sweet 16 is NC State over Cal and Marquette over Pacific and you know who wins the Elite 8.
NC State over Kansas. Valparaiso over Harvard.
The games don’t even matter, they’re going to announce that Gary Payton will be inducted into the BBHOF at halftime of one of these games, and that’s all that really matters in this world.
It was a fun year. We learned about new schools like Valparaiso and Florida Gulf Coast University or whatever. We stuck it to Ohio State. We laughed. We cried. We punched police horses. In the end, we have to very worthy teams in the National Championship game, but sharing a name with the Sonic with the coolest name of all time wins. Despite their omission from the bracket, I pick Xavier to win the National Championship game. Congrats guys!
Thanks for coming y’all. If you’re still reading this, wow there are a lot cooler things on the internet get out there and explore buddy. Stay tuned for my Oscars picks in a few weeks.
EDIT: Turns out I put Mississippi in the sweet 16 thinking they were Missouri. Whatever, they can stay. ?Anyway, here’s a picture of my bracket for you visual learners out there.